A few hours alone

Still not crying. Still no fear. My spirit is calm.. I’m ok.

I know that I’m a spiritual being, here to have an Earthly experience. I understand that we are all connected, and I believe that everything happens for a reason. EVERYTHING. Even presumed, experienced, and rumored, shitty things.

I will grow from this, and so will those around me. I may never know the impact this path we are on will be on my family, loved ones, teammates, colleagues, acquaintances, and even strangers.

So very full of gratitude

I’m so grateful for my life. The journey that I’ve been on thus far, has brought me here to today. The Universe has prepared me for today, and for tomorrow… but my focus is on today.

At this moment, I’m thankful for my husband who has been on this fitness/health journey with me this year. I feel GOOD. I feel STRONG. I feel, “Strong like Bull!” he hehe. I’m thankful for my body. I am healthy and have been paddling and working out. It’s because of my sore muscles that I was trying to rub out that I found this lump.

I’m grateful for the nurse at my ob/gyn office who called with such a concerned demeanor to make sure that I had scheduled my recommended mammogram, and then as recommended later, my ultrasound.

I’m REALLY grateful for the radiologist who deemed my mammogram inconclusive and ordered an ultrasound. Days later, looking at those results…he could just recommended I continue with yearly mammograms to monitor the site. In those moments, his training and focus told him to send me to my breast surgeon. I don’t want to think about what could have happened had he not. I think I’ll mail him a Mahalo card.

I’m SUPER grateful for my breast surgeon. He is kind, calm, focused. He is gentle, thorough, and genuine. I can’t quite articulate how he did it… but he’s made me feel like everything is going to be OK, although of course he can’t say that.

I’m SUPER-DUPER-ALY-UPER appreciative of my precious husband. This is harder on him than me. He lost his mother to Cancer when he was 2. He also lost his closest Aunties who then helped rear him.. to Cancer. He watched them suffer and finally succumb. His brother survived Cancer, but there are far too many Cancers in this paragraph. Now his wife, his partner, his best friend.. now I have it.

Finally,

I’m MOSTLY grateful that I have Cancer, instead of

my children..

my husband..

my Mommy.

…and now finally.. some tears.